Betrayals
Dark, dark, ebony hair. He's not even going grey, yet. When he does, it'll still look good, still feel silky between somebody's fingers. Not mine. Not mine ever again. I learned better, standing there in the black dark on the edge of the woods, years ago.
Graceful. He always has had that. Crossing the overgrown meadow behind his house, I remember, leaning on a doorframe to talk to someone, he was graceful; and sprawled on the old, creaky bed after we'd been together. Oh, Christ, he was beautiful; and he was out of his element, then.
He's in it now. In this sleek room of glass and chrome and slick black tile, in the murky urban twilight with cars flashing by outside, this is his world. He belongs here, where everything is too perfect to be real--
--and dark and dirty at the heart of it. Let's not forget that.
The way the cuff of his sleeve lies against his wrist. Everything.
Dammit, he's too beautiful, he's too much. If I could just convince myself not to look at him. I'm having trouble hearing what he says to me. Something about misunderstandings.
No, you bastard. We understood each other just fine.
And all the time he told himself it wasn't happening. I hate him for that. For doing what he did to me and not even having the guts to admit it to himself, or me; for being afraid, for being ashamed.
I was so proud of him. Of being with him. I would've shouted it from the rooftops if I'd dared; and he couldn't even stand to look at me the way a lover would. When I was sixteen I didn't care; but damn him, damn him for that. Damn him for sitting here across from me, as good as saying it never happened.
I can't think. I can't breathe. I want to pin him against the back of his chair and kiss him till he admits it all, right here in front of God knows how many people.
Try to deny it when I've got my hands under your shirt, damn you, just try and pretend it was all in innocence; the big brother I never had, the father-figure, like hell. I know how you look in the half-dark when all the lies are forgotten. I know how to bring you to tears. Just try me.
Can't breathe. I've got to get out of here. It's gotten dark, the windows have gone reflective, closing me in. Got to get out into the air, out where I can look up at the sky, all scattered with stars and black as his heart.
Except you can't see the stars, here.